All Too Much
I was overwhelmed with pain, bad memories, and awful feelings. I couldn't take it anymore and had to cope with the only thing I could manage. I'm not proud of myself.
WARNING:
This site contains graphic images of self harm.
Do not enter this site if you are in any way unwilling to veiw such images and deal with the consequences of viewing such images.
You have been warned.
Leave.
This is How I Cope
Quitting
Fucking therapist says I need to quit cutting myself in order to keep working on my "deeper problems". I have half a mind to just lie to her about it but she's probably right. I can't work through my trauma without being able to properly cope. I'm giving quitting an honest try.
Lost Tracks & B-Sides
Just some shit I forgot to post. Too much cutting every day to take the time for this dumb website.
Numb, Depressed, Giving In.
The stress continues, but I can only bear it for so long before I start to become numb, depressed. I'm falling into states of dissociation more frequently, and giving into the self harm urges. I no longer feel in control, and it's starting to feel good.
Because of the fact that I removed my sharp blades from the house, I have been using a pair of scissors to cut myself with. Normally I'm too much of a scared fucking piece of shit to do more than just little scratches with that sort of tool, but I've been drawing blood every time. I lose control of myself and just do pass after pass till the blade is tipped with blood and my skin starts to part.
This should scare me, but it doesn't. At least I'm doing something right.
I'm Stressing Out
No, I don't want to talk about it.
My Life is Spiraling Downwards
One week ago I removed every sharp blade and sharpening stone from the house. Despite these overwhelming urges I suffer from I was able to have a mostly positive week. That didn't last long.
Yesterday I lost my mind.
I still haven't found it back.
Throughout this week I have been suffering from a migraine. A migraine which is affecting my vision. It's terrifying. I'm supposed to be going to the emergency room for this migraine. I am not going. I am terrified. I am too scared to face the reality of my situation, to get tested to determine if this is simply an uncharacteristically long-lasting migraine or if there is something more severely wrong with me. I'm too afraid to face possible transphobia. I'm too afraid to deal with the past trauma of the times I've woken up in the ER after attempting to escape my life.
Last night, while discussing going to the ER with my partner I had a breakdown. A panic attack. A meltdown. A freakout. Something bad. I lost my connection with the moment, with my self. The only thoughts in my mind were those of harming myself. My partner tried to comfort me, to take me to the couch but as soon as a pair of scissors were within my arms reach I was already swiping them at my arm. Despite their dullness I was able to quickly draw blood before my partner even had a chance to stop me. When they got them away from me I turned to biting myself. I had no control over myself. I was screaming at myself to stop but my cries were in vain.
In the aftermath of this incident I had brief moments of lucidness, but for the most part I was gone. I was simply an observer while my body went between moments of being completely still and mute, and being delusional, paranoid, telling my partner that there were people who were trying to kill me, that they were going to kill me.
I am losing control.
I don't know how to get it back.
Past Trauma, Current Events
My extreme reaction to my former-friend hurting me from admitting his transphobia has continued. I have been repeatedly cutting myself, and deeper than usual. I have been feeling like I have completely lost control. Dissociation has been robbing me of my ability to think and act rationally. I have been hallucinating and have been even more paranoid and delusional than my baseline. Last night I had an almost complete breakdown and I was about to send pictures of my cuts to him, but I was talked out of it by some nice people at selfharm.pics. I think it's best if I just cut him out of my life and leave it at that.
I had a particularly hard therapy session today. My therapist believes my past trauma from my parents was triggered by the actions of this former-friend. I think I'm just crazy. I'm losing it. She says these feelings of betrayal I feel towards my former-friend are the same ones I felt towards my parents when I was younger. I say I'm just fucked in the head. A special kind of asshole. I still want to send him these pictures. It would probably just make things worse but so does everything I'm doing here.
When I told my therapist how bad my self harm is getting, and how I'm losing control of it and going deeper. About how addicted to it I have become, she asked me if I think I should spend some time inpatient. If I'm being honest, I really should go. Of course I lied to her and said I didn't think I needed to and we came up with a plan to keep me safe at home. Out of desperation to keep my freedom and not be locked up in the hospital where I belong, I have been going along with this plan. All of my blades, even the kitchen knives and my sharpening stones are in a box, locked in the trunk of my mom's car. My therapist was quite concerned when I told her I might bang my head on the wall as a desperate form of self harm if I have no other way, prompting the question about inpatient. I will very likely find other methods of harming myself but I will try to keep it to a minimum. I want to maintain my freedom.
Transpobes Can Fucking Die
They deserve to feel the pain and fucking horror of being trans. They should know the fucking hell we go through. They should know what it's like to be so miserable with the body and life you're cursed with that you kill yourself to make it end.
My previously good friend said some awful transphobic bullshit. The most unaware, retarded shit I've heard. It was so hypocritical. Everything he said contradicted everything else he said. I could not believe such stupid shit came from him. Anyone with functioning self awareness should understand that saying what he said was stupid, awful, hurtful.
I could not stop myself from cutting. I was shaking with anger, grief, and sheer disbelief at the awful shit he had said. This bleeding arm ought to be yours, you fucking cunt.
I'm So Fucking Done With Her Shit
She came into my room smelling fucking disgusting like it didn't even matter. Like it didn't even cross her fucking mind how disgusting she was. I don't fucking care anymore.
My therapist wants me to journal after I cut myself, to reflect on whether it's worth it. Well I think it's fucking worth it. My knives don't fuck me over like this. They don't fucking betray me when I'm vulnerable. They fucking take care of me. All the downsides to cutting myself are things I can handle, things I can work around. I can't work around her walking into my room with her fucking cigarette smoke. I've fucking told her it makes me cut myself every time I smell it and she still fucking does it.
I'm taking care of myself from now on. I have my knives, I don't need her. I'm fucking 28 years old. I don't have to deal with this shit.
I'm Not Strong Enough
I'm not even emotionally distraught, I'm just too exhausted to resist the urges. More shallow cuts for a shallow cunt. I deserve this.
Self Harm is Kinda Fucked
I'm sitting here in my bed, feeling sick, tired, and worn the fuck out. I'm tired and I should go to bed. Get some rest, start the process of feeling better. But instead, I'm laying here fidgeting with my knife, thinking about cutting myself. No normal person would ever consider cutting themselves. They would just go to sleep. Knives hold a very different place in my mind than any sane person. Whenever I hold a knife, or truthfully any sharp object, the first thing through my mind is about cutting myself. Even when I was "clean" for 5 years I would occasionally cut myself with different knives just to see how they felt. I have some sick fucking fascination with cutting myself.
I Felt Intoxicated
As I was cleaning my knife off before cutting myself, I started to feel almost drunk, intoxicated by the anticipation of what I was going to do. It had been 3 days since my last cut and I was anticipating it so much. I still feel my head buzzing with it. I wanted to do deeper but I don't usually cut in this area so I took it a little easier. Maybe next time I'll get that satisfaction.
I had to get my other delt. Gotta work 'em out evenly. I used my Buck 120 this time. It's dull as hell and I need to sharpen it. I want more blood.
A Little Deeper
Why bother trying to get better when I don't even want to be alive?
Growing Up or Just Burning Out?
About 5 years ago, when I was in the worst of my self harm, I would look at pictures and videos of other people self harming. I would use it as a way to escalate my own self harm. I would see these other people cutting themselves, often deeper than me and it would make me want to harm myself even worse than I already was. I started seeking out new methods, sharper blades. It was never enough and I always wanted to go deeper. To start recovering from my self harm I had to get away from these places where people share their self harm.
With my most recent relapse into frequent self harm, I once again joined these communities and have been viewing these same sort of images. However, it has been having the opposite effect on me. Seeing just how bad other people's cuts get makes me not want to even cut myself at all. These images, and especially videos, frighten me and make me scared of how bad it can get. I was just looking at some of these images in an attempt to fuel some deeper cuts, but now I don't even want to hurt myself at all. I want to take care of myself. It's almost midnight and I want to go to bed, and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I don't know if this is because I'm growing up - being more mature in my thinking - or if I'm just being pathetic. Maybe a little of both.
Same Shit as Always
Harm Reduction, not Quitting.
Since the triggering things in my life aren't actually going to go away, I've decided that quitting just isn't going to happen any time soon. There's just no point anymore. I need to cut myself to cope with certain things, and if I don't have that ability I simply won't be able to go about my normal everyday life. I think that's worse than occasionally cutting myself.
I do however know that cutting myself this often usually leads to escalation and addiction. Having deeper wounds to heal, and needing to cut even when I'm not needing to cope makes my life worse. When I'm addicted and cutting deep, all of the benefits of self harm are outweighed by the negatives. I'm too old and have too many responsibilities to sit at home all day doing nothing but cutting myself. I need to keep it somewhat manageable.
I wanted to kill myself and the thoughts wouldn't go away. They still haven't.
Rubber bands help make the urges go away
Fuck everyone who smokes.
