This site contains graphic images of self harm.
Do not enter this site if you are in any way unwilling to veiw such images and deal with the consequences of viewing such images.
You have been warned.
Leave.
She came into my room smelling fucking disgusting like it didn't even matter. Like it didn't even cross her fucking mind how disgusting she was. I don't fucking care anymore.
My therapist wants me to journal after I cut myself, to reflect on whether it's worth it. Well I think it's fucking worth it. My knives don't fuck me over like this. They don't fucking betray me when I'm vulnerable. They fucking take care of me. All the downsides to cutting myself are things I can handle, things I can work around. I can't work around her walking into my room with her fucking cigarette smoke. I've fucking told her it makes me cut myself every time I smell it and she still fucking does it.
I'm taking care of myself from now on. I have my knives, I don't need her. I'm fucking 28 years old. I don't have to deal with this shit.
I'm Not Strong Enough
I'm not even emotionally distraught, I'm just too exhausted to resist the urges. More shallow cuts for a shallow cunt. I deserve this.
Self Harm is Kinda Fucked
I'm sitting here in my bed, feeling sick, tired, and worn the fuck out. I'm tired and I should go to bed. Get some rest, start the process of feeling better. But instead, I'm laying here fidgeting with my knife, thinking about cutting myself. No normal person would ever consider cutting themselves. They would just go to sleep. Knives hold a very different place in my mind than any sane person. Whenever I hold a knife, or truthfully any sharp object, the first thing through my mind is about cutting myself. Even when I was "clean" for 5 years I would occasionally cut myself with different knives just to see how they felt. I have some sick fucking fascination with cutting myself.
I Felt Intoxicated
As I was cleaning my knife off before cutting myself, I started to feel almost drunk, intoxicated by the anticipation of what I was going to do. It had been 3 days since my last cut and I was anticipating it so much. I still feel my head buzzing with it. I wanted to do deeper but I don't usually cut in this area so I took it a little easier. Maybe next time I'll get that satisfaction.
I had to get my other delt. Gotta work 'em out evenly. I used my Buck 120 this time. It's dull as hell and I need to sharpen it. I want more blood.
A Little Deeper
Why bother trying to get better when I don't even want to be alive?
Growing Up or Just Burning Out?
About 5 years ago, when I was in the worst of my self harm, I would look at pictures and videos of other people self harming. I would use it as a way to escalate my own self harm. I would see these other people cutting themselves, often deeper than me and it would make me want to harm myself even worse than I already was. I started seeking out new methods, sharper blades. It was never enough and I always wanted to go deeper. To start recovering from my self harm I had to get away from these places where people share their self harm.
With my most recent relapse into frequent self harm, I once again joined these communities and have been viewing these same sort of images. However, it has been having the opposite effect on me. Seeing just how bad other people's cuts get makes me not want to even cut myself at all. These images, and especially videos, frighten me and make me scared of how bad it can get. I was just looking at some of these images in an attempt to fuel some deeper cuts, but now I don't even want to hurt myself at all. I want to take care of myself. It's almost midnight and I want to go to bed, and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I don't know if this is because I'm growing up - being more mature in my thinking - or if I'm just being pathetic. Maybe a little of both.
Same Shit as Always
Harm Reduction, not Quitting.
Since the triggering things in my life aren't actually going to go away, I've decided that quitting just isn't going to happen any time soon. There's just no point anymore. I need to cut myself to cope with certain things, and if I don't have that ability I simply won't be able to go about my normal everyday life. I think that's worse than occasionally cutting myself.
I do however know that cutting myself this often usually leads to escalation and addiction. Having deeper wounds to heal, and needing to cut even when I'm not needing to cope makes my life worse. When I'm addicted and cutting deep, all of the benefits of self harm are outweighed by the negatives. I'm too old and have too many responsibilities to sit at home all day doing nothing but cutting myself. I need to keep it somewhat manageable.
I wanted to kill myself and the thoughts wouldn't go away. They still haven't.
